CJ60 #91: We're Preaching Caffeine, Motherflippers!

Days of Future Past Rick chapter 2: Tony tries not to swear which lasts a whole 13 seconds, Matt's butt is sore because of cheap toilet paper and Seth's stressed out because of his porn deadlines. But none of that is important because we're all really here for the awful, awful fanfiction and boy, is it awful this week? The answer to that is yes, yes it is. We apologize in advance.

CJ60 #90: Then F*ck Me And My Words

Days of Future Past Rick chapter 1: The guys are back for the first episode of 2018 and with them they bring the gift of terrible fan fiction in the form of Rick & Morty. But before all that audio torture, the guys talks about New Year's resolutions, Disney buying NASA, fat superheroes, Orlando, Friends, space sickness, Black Mirror, Dirk Gently, Boy Meets World and Tiny Toons.

CJ60 #89: Bend Over and I'll Show You

Christmas Vacation chapter 1-2: The guys talk about the new Star Wars movie, visits to the dentist, morphine, vacationing to the Chicago furry convention and Seth's new job which ticks all the boxes - he's doing graphic design (tick) on a porn (tick) video game (tick). Matt and Tony are way jealous. And talking of vacations, graphic, jobs, porn and jealousy, we have a festive piece of fanfiction which is going to ruin a much loved xmas movie forever - you won't be able to look at Clark, Ellen and Russ the same way after this one. Thankfully Audrey manages to escape pretty much unscathed from this disturbing filth. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

CJ60 #88: Taking a Drive Up Butt Hole Road

It's just Matt and Tony this episode so they decide to scrap fanfiction this week and talk about porn actors, gay for pay, meth, South Park, public toilets and funny road names but it's only a matter of time before the subject turns to Xmas, Xmas and more Xmas. Jesus, this is like an episode of Dark Festive Delights...come back Seth and Ace, all is forgiven!!

CJ60 #87: Sports, God and Broken Bones

No Escape chapter 14-15: Tony discovers sport and god, Seth discovers big fat cigars and Matt discovers the need to apologize to Jacob the Audio Guy every episode. Yes we're back and we're talking about giant crazy golf, Robin Williams, South Park, London bridge, cursed t-shirts and bone breakages amongst other random things. And don't forget about our very sexy Harry Potter fanfiction that ends once again with no penetration whatsoever...oh yes, spoiler alert.

CJ60 #86: Kiss Me On My Scar, Baby!

No Escape chapter 10-13: The guys talk about what cartoon world they'd like to live in and why. Seems like kids cartoons are way better than the real world although Seth just wants to nail a load of Pokémon while Tony hopes Donald never finds out about the things he wants to do to Daisy Duck. Then it's onto our homo-erotic Harry Potter fanfiction which so far has just been 13 chapters of foreplay...that Lord Voldemort is such a sexy tease.

CJ60 #85: Even The Straight Ones Are Gay

No Escape chapter 5-9: The guys chat about the McDonald's Mulan Szechuan dipping sauce fiasco, gays fist fighting girls, Ben Affleck never seeing a vagina, Seth MacFarlane's tales of sexual harassments, Michael Jackson's real voice, the new Star Wars trailer and the remake of A Christmas Story. Then it's onto another handful of chapters of our homo-erotic Harry Potter fan fiction and things very slowly heat up. Wand is slang for penis right? And did we mention we have the best listeners? No, well we have the best listeners.

CJ60 #84: Offensive to Limeys and Yanks Alike

No Escape chapter 1-4: There's lots of bad English accents and one really, really bad American accent this week as the guys embark on some new fan fiction - oh yes, they're reading some dodgy, homo-erotic Harry Potter shit. But before all that frivolity, they talk about Xmas overshadowing Halloween, Inktober for out-of-work artists, lemonade, the agony of man flu, shaving our balls for Movember, hot buttered rum and should you drink your eggnog hot or not.

CJ60 #83: The Belated Jimmy Fallon Birthday Special

Tawog the Risen Dead chapter 12-13: This weeks episode is maggoty with all things 'It' related to the point where Ace spends the entire time trying to find erotic 'It' fan fiction when he should really be concentrating on the current Gumball fan fiction. Then again, the current Gumball fan fiction is really all about the current wardrobe of all the characters and fuck, there are a shit ton of characters to the point that the other guys completely lose track and lose interest of the whole thing anyway. We blame Stranger Things and The Goonies for everything.

CJ60 #82: This Doesn't Feel Long Enough to Me

Tawog the Risen Dead chapter 12: The guys talk heartbreak and the times that Iron Maiden, Iron Man 3, Alice Cooper and Frankenweenie severely let them down. There's also natter about Seth's new bar, LGBT lights, Ace's anti-masturbation device, and Ace and Matt give us their 1 word reviews of the movie. And talking of potentially good, we then get onto our latest fan fiction, failing miserably to get through one chapter and discovering that Tony cannot pronounce the word "pizzeria". Oh, and them people on the internet are dicks by the way.

CJ60 #81: I Can't Just Leave You Here, You Ass Raptor!

Tawog the Risen Dead chapter 10-11: The guys imagine what it would be like to create their own country: Matt is all about drugs and gay marriage, Tony's is holidays and no marriage, Ace doesn't really care and it's probably best to quickly gloss over Seth's dream of a new fatherland. The cheeky chaps also talk about possibly dead female wrestlers, Happy Gilmore basically being child porn, the new Gary Glitter reality show "Oh Gary", social justice warriors and how #CJ60 was just created as a form of therapy for Seth. Then it's onto our amazingly anti-climatic fan fiction. You're welcome.

CJ60 #80: Maybe It Really Is All Cocks in the End

Tawog the Risen Dead chapter 8-9: Ace is back...or is he? Seth thinks Ace is an imposter replaced by our lizard overlords which is a much better conspiracy theory than Tony's - Ice Cream Social kidnapping? Yeah, like Matt, Paul and Jacob would do such a thing, they're just pussycats...or are they? Anyhoo, there's also talk of Maskimals, the new It movie, Tobe Hooper, the Game of Thrones South Park reference and how everyone now hates Gumball after that social justice joke. And talking of how everyone hates Gumball, we read another 2 chapters of our Gumball fan fiction...SALT PORK!!

CJ60 #79: The Nudist Beach Erection Party

Tawog the Risen Dead chapter 7-8: Matt is drinking pumpkin spice coffee, Tony's pissed off with American's who don't know that London isn't a country (especially Penn Jillette) and Seth's just Seth. The bunch chat about the clothing optional Hair showings in London (which is a fucking city, not a country), RJ Owens' balls, the Game of Thrones cunt count and Donald Trump staring at the sun. Then it's onto our wonderful fan fiction where Matt gets so bored that he goes off and finds out the true origin of Lexi / Lexy / whatever the fuck she's called.

CJ60 #78: Give Me My Foreskin Back, Mother

Tawog the Risen Dead chapter 6: the guys talk Game of Thrones although Seth's reading the books, Tony is watching the new season and Matt has just started from the beginning. Tony's convinced that the writers are trying to get every character to say 'cunt' in the new season. Seriously, just watch the next episode, see how many people use that word, I mean British people just don't talk like that. There's also natter about Rick & Morty, circumcision, Schitts Creek, reindeers, WWII in Colour and West Covina. Then it's back to our brutal, violent and overall crap fan fiction. Cunt!!

CJ60 #77: Deepthroating a Popsicle

Tawog the Risen Dead chapter 4-5: Seth is melting in the ridiculous Portland heat while Tony asks how he can enjoy an ice lolly without it looking like he's sucking a dick - Matt's got a great solution for the latter which involves making eye contact with a stranger while sucking. There's talk of the new Alice Cooper album, this month's free PS4 games and Night in the Woods. Then it's onto this weeks fan fiction which raises the question: where have all the cows have gone? And talking of disappearances: if anyone out there has our Ace, can you give him back please, we're starting to miss him.

CJ60 #76: Butt Men With Big Guns

Tawog the Risen Dead chapter 1-3: There's talk of when 2 unconnected worlds collide (mainly NIN and the video game Polybius), celebrity deaths (RIP George, Martin and Chester), Ed Sheeran being a shit actor and ginger too, all the hilarious Snow Dogs references in American Crime Story and why all the timelords in Dr Who are British and white. Then its a welcome return for Gumball and Darwin in our new fan fiction which is all about a world where punctuation does not exist.

CJ60 #75: I Crippled My Kids For Disneyworld

Wonder Woman by Joss Whedon pages 1-16: Tony's seriously considering renting out his family to creepy old guys who visit Disney theme parks while Ace comes up with killer a new pitch for a TV show called Racist Grandpa - the main character will be played by Sir Sean Connery or Mr Shaun Connelly, whichever one's cheapest and available. Matt is convinced that Ace is a cartoon character living in a cartoon world and Seth still hasn't got over the death of Uncle Mike. There's no fan fiction this week because we decide to read an unmade movie script and we quickly discover why it's unmade - what the fuck where you thinking Joss???

CJ60 #74: Never Scrape Your Tongue

Sonic & Gumball: Back In Time chapter 1 & 2 / Sonic & Gumball: A Nightmare on Elmore Street: This episode is definitely a case of déjà vu as the guys believe they've already recorded episode 74 last week, or was that just a strange dream? Anyhow, the guys chat about Mexican gardener noise terrorists, Gene Simmons being the absolute worst, used tampons, the horror of childbirth and how they generally hate women. On the plus side, there's no talk at all about the remake of Ghostbusters. Then it's onto not one but two pieces of god-awful fan fiction which is going to make Uncle Mike turn in his grave whoever Uncle Mike is because he was first referenced on last weeks podcast that was never recorded as it was just a dream - this is beginning to be like that movie Inception but more enjoyable and much more understandable.

CJ60 #73: Tickle Me Anti-Semitic Elmo

Sonic & Gumball: Cowboys chapter 1 & 2: The guys ponder what they'd wish for if, like Elmo in Elmo Saves Christmas, they had 3 wishes. Matt wants to time travel while Ace is just happy looking at black people on Google Image search. There's also talk of Seth's quiet birthday celebrations, Penn & Teller coming to Manchester, Alice Cooper's new song and Matt going to see Piff the Magic Dragon later in the year although there's still plenty of time for Piff to cancel. Then there's some new fanfiction and oh, what a beautiful, violent and completely pointless beast it is.

CJ60 #72: Hitler Didn't Like Pineapple

Inferno: Experiment 666 chapter 10: Tony tries to convince us that size doesn't matter and Ace admits to being a coconut nut. Matt doesn't like the heat and Seth is very, very quiet, so quiet in fact that it's like he's not even here. The fanfiction starts but it quickly ends when the guys realise that it's just terrible and they should really be talking about more interesting things like pot turning Kevin Smith into a total retard and the audible.com version of Mein Kampf read by Mel Brooks.